我们俩是不可能的~~

说真的，我越来越觉得害怕~~

害怕会开始习惯了~~

害怕会习惯你的存在~

害怕会习惯你的声音~

害怕会习惯每一天搜到你的SMS~

害怕会习惯有你的日子~

害怕会习惯你的一切~~

最怕的是，害怕会爱上你~

害怕现在已经开始喜欢上你了~~

所以，从现在开始，

我要努力地去不喜欢你~~

我要努力地去不爱你~~

我要努力地不要习惯你的存在~~

我要努力地不要习惯你的声音~~

我要努力地不要每天和你SMS

我要努力地不要习惯有你的日子~~

我要努力地不要习惯你的一切~~

因为，

我知道我们俩是不可能的~~

你是不可能会喜欢上我的~~

你是不可能会爱上我的~~

我真的真的很害怕~~怎么办才好？？ TT

有时候突然心情很低落，


不想说话也不想动。



别人问起，也不知道该怎样回答。


明明自己身边有很多朋友，却依然觉得孤单。


也许是因为突然听到的一句话，


也许是看见某个物体联想到了什么，


也许是朋友那发来的一条短信，


也许什么都不是。


其实，很多事情不需要理由，也没有理由。



这样的情绪有人可以理解吗？

Fakers!!~

I just realized how FAKE people are nowadays!! On the surface, they acted like they cared about you so much, but in reality, they are just FAKERS!!~ How is it that I'm so easy to be cheated on, thinking all, ALL of you actually cared about me??! Now, I got the feeling that I'm actually being used!! You guys just took advantage on me!! WHY am I so easily got used by other people??! I tried to be nice with them, making friends with them, going out with them whenever they asked to, thinking that they feel the same way too! That they wanted to BE friends with me! But now, IT'S ALL A LIE!! Even now, I don't even want to call you guys, LIARS, 'cause to me, you guys are my friends!! I guess not anymore now!

~~无话可说~~

我想，

刚才我所说的话，

你都不把它放在心里。。

算了啦。。

就当这些是我的错吧~~

就算我发生了什么事，

你都不会来关心我的啦。。

我该习惯了啦。。

REALISTIC People~~

Sometimes it feels really weird...
The person who does not really contacted you for quite some time,
suddenly messaged you and asked for your help~
hmm...not that I don't want to help,
but the people are really realistic!

When they need our help,
they find us~
When they don't,
they just ignore you and thought as if you weren't there at all!!~

When they are happy and are really having fun with their friends,
they don't even think of contacting you~
When they needed your help to do anything,
they will come asking for your help,
no matter whether you are busy, emo-ing, or even having finals!~

I know I do act like this at times,
but I won't be that realistic lorh~~
Come on larh~
when you don't need me,
you throw me away
as if I don't know you at all!~
as if we're not best friends at all!~
as if you or me don't love each other before!!~

And today,
I only realized that some of the things that I said or do,
people may take me for granted!!~ just like that!!
I mean, please larh~
at 3pm in the afternoon, you asked me to go and find the person and talk???
and you know damn well that this place is SOOO hot these few days!!!
And after getting all the info you want, especially the auntie's handphone number,
YOU take ALL the credits by yourself!!
Not that I want those credits, but PLEASE
do acknowledge our parts too~~
It's not like you do ALL THE WORKS by yourself!~
I know you plan the event, so what??
That does not gives you ALL the rights you want!!

我们做回朋友好吗？

看到心爱的人开心是件幸福的事。。。

但我不敢去面对你。。

也不懂怎么面对你。。

因为我知道我做了很多让你不是很想跟我说话的事。。。

我这是希望我们最后的回忆。。。

是最美好的。。

所以就要给彼此一些空间，

给自己一点时间去想通起来。。

给你一点时间去冷静下来。。。

我不会，也不想辩证你的负担。。。

因为我不想失去你这个朋友。。。

虽然做不到男女朋友，我真的不想失去你的友情。。。

我以后都不会去讲些让你不开心的事。。

也不会再写我的心情了。。。

我这希望我们能做回朋友。。。

我也不会在期待什么了。。

因为我知道了，

我们是不可能的。。。

这几天的心情。。。

My life is filled with nothing nowadays...
It feels so blank...
It feels so nothing...
Don't really know why...
But I think I know why...

These few days 过得很不好。。。
Keep on rushing for assignments and presentation...
Feels like there is no life here...
Feels like a walking zombie...
Doing everything without feeling anything...

Past few days,
suddenly the heart pain...
Don't know why...
People keep on asking me to rest, take care....
Maybe too pressured, over-stress...
But I don't think so...
Even though I slept late,
but I also wake up late...
I've been doing this since the starting of this semester...
There's nothing wrong...
WHY now??

Hopefully it's not going to be prolonged...
I don't want any thing bad happened...
I still have such a long way to go...
I don't want to end it this way...

Recently heard about the Japan disaster...
That day when I heard about the news,
I was really shocked...
I totally don't expect that...
Out of the sudden, saw the news at FB only know it...
At first, earthquake..
then, tsunami...
now, nuclear radiation...
WHAT NEXT??

Is the world really going to end??
The weather these few weeks are really worrying...
Last time, each time came March,
I will get sick 'cause of the HOT weather...
But now??
It's like going back to December all over...
Everyday raining...
No sunny day~~Only grey day~~

I don't wish all these things to happen...
难道世界真的要末日了`吗？？
我不要。。。
全世界的人都不要。。。
我们都还有很多东西都还没做的。。。
我们都有很多愿望还没实现的。。。

Semester 3...

        Finally, Semester 3 is over!! There are really a lot of things happened during this semester, be it personally, emotionally, physically, or mentally. 

         First of all, my physical and mental have been really be tested this semester. Especially during cooking class. I've never felt so afraid of entering a kitchen before in my whole 20 years of life. I've been so cool and stress-free whenever I cooked for my family. But this cooking class, it's really making me nervous all the time and the fear I feel inside me when I'm in this class is UNBEARABLE, at first. But it gets better after I've gotten used to the kitchen, lab staffs and lecturer. At some point, I feel like I could pass this subject quite good, 'cause I've already got the basics in cooking (thanks to my mum for 'forcing' me to learn to help in the kitchen when I was small and learn how to cook when I was in Form 1, I think), especially in Malay and Chinese cuisines. But as the time goes by, the lessons in the kitchen are getting more exciting and torturing at the same time. Exciting, because I get to learn to cook Western dishes! Chicken chop, fish fillet, fish and chip, and even lasagna! Haha... But the torturing part, overcome the exciting part... 

         We were given an assignment, called the 'recipe testing' that requires us to cook a one-dish-meal or a main course dish. My group, consist of me and two other Malay gurls, were asked to do rendang ayam, sambal jawa and nasi himpit. At the beginning of the assignment, it was still going on quite well, until we failed to do the rendang ayam and nasi himpit. So, we were asked by the lecturer to do it again. After the fourth tries, we managed to pass the rendang ayam, but we still need to redo the nasi himpit. We were told from the beginning of the assignment by the lecturer that, our senior did not manage to do the nasi himpit after the 11th tries! We already expected this situation. So, we are okay with it, at first. after the fifth try, we still did not manage to get the right texture of the dish. Then, we were asked to do it after the Haji break. After that break, I received news from one of my group members that the lecturer is not around and will only be back on 6th of DEC!! I was like, WHAT???!!! How are we supposed to do our assignment without him around??? On the 28th, I received news that the lecturer asked us to redo AFTER 6th of Dec! OMG!! I am totally speechless at that time. I really don't know what to do! There's one paper on the next day, and suddenly, this thing pops out??! I totally can't concentrate on what I'm doing, be it reading or memorizing! I've already bought ticket back home on 2nd of Dec! Now, how am I supposed to go back?? Then, after that paper on 29th, I straight away went to seniors' house and asked for their opinions. The solution I got from them, stay back to avoid being attacked by him the next 2 semesters! I don't want!! But what else can I do? And then, on the day after, I text-ed him, asking when can I call him to discuss about the assignment. You know what he replied?? "After 12th DEC!!!" I was like, WTF!!!!!! First, you told us, 6th and now, 12th??? Are you playing with us??? Then when I think back, okay lah..At least, I can go back home and not let the ticket go to waste. Till now, we totally have no news about him or the assignment. I wonder how is he able to mark all our papers and at the same time, wanna redo the assignment. Haihhh.... Okay... Don't talk about it anymore... NEXT!!

         In this very semester, I had a crush on two guys!! I wasn't sure it was crush actually. I just feel happy whenever I'm with them. One of my housemate who knew it, asked me how on earth could I possibly had a crush on someone who keeps on teasing you. Aren't girls always fell in love with guys that treated her nice and took good care of her? Honestly, I can't answer that question. I guess I am different from the other gurls. I always blame myself  for having a crush so easily. It felt like I'm very 花心. But I knew deep down in my heart, I just felt so lonely. I get jealous very easily when I see couples around me. I know I'm not as pretty as them, not as slim and got such a great body shape as them, but don't I deserve it? Haihh....talking about the two guys, both of them keep on changing places, alternating inside my heart. I never had the guts to tell them what I felt about them. I've always been like this. The last time I've kinda told a guy, whom I'm really close with, he make it straight to the point that we were only gonna be best friends forever! At that time, it hurts so badly that I actually cried because of a guy, for the first time! He's totally a jerk!! Best friend konon!! So, I told myself, I'll never to make the first move anymore! After all, I'm a gurl (that's what most people said, girls NEVER make the first move). Anyways, I should let them go, too. I don't think it'll go any further than being just friends. I guess I will never have the chance to encounter any love story in university life. :(((

         Anyways, there are a lot of good things happened too, in this semester. I finally got the chance to become a facilitator for the juniors. Haha... The relationships between our coursemates also has gotten very close as compared to the first two semesters. And I think the best thing that happened in this semester is during my birthday. This year's birthday really surprised me the most. I totally can't believe that the seniors of the Buddhist Society are willing to stay outside of the kitchen of about 2 hours just to give me a surprise. Thanks a lot to all of them! This semester, I got myself busy with some of the Buddhist Society's activities. I never knew that joining this society will be this exciting. I always thought that it will be boring. But I was wrong. The Buddhas' teachings really helps me a lot in my daily lifestyles, even though I can't seems to apply it in some of the cases that happened throughout this semester. Hehe.... And not forgetting, my housemates!! Haha...living with them is the most right thing to do rather than stay at hostel! ^-^ Even though there are some things that I'm not satisfied about at first, but eventually I get used to it and now, we are really like a family! 

          I think that's all I for now. That's all I can think of right now. Hopefully I will not need to go back to university on the 12th. Dear lecturer, please be nice ya!~

Regret??

Yesterday when I was trying to study, one of my Malay course mate asked me. "Do you think our course has a bright future??" I was startled. I was like, err... okay, I've been on this situation myself before. I did, on the first thought, thought that my course would never have a bright future. I've asked a senior before, she said only some of the seniors that have graduated were offered jobs relating to our course. Some even went teaching.(Note: that's what my mum told me to do if I can't manage to get a related job). And I did thought of stopping from this course and took nursing (that's the only course that interest me until now). But, on second thought, why should I stop? I've been here for like, 2 years, and now, I thought of quitting?? After all, it's the knowledge that I'm after, not to mention the amount of money I've put into this course. I'll never learn how to cook western dishes if I'm in the nursing course, right? And now, I feel like I'm starting to like this course even more than before. Even if after I graduated, I couldn't find a related job, I could always opt for another options like taking up the nursing course I've always wanted(or maybe after graduated, I don't feel like becoming a nurse anymore) or even opening a cafe (both my parents and some of my secondary closed-teachers even offered me to open a cafe that has the ability to organize big events). Right now, all I felt was not regret but the eager to carry on studying on this course and finishing it up with flying colors!

For now, I'm waiting for next Sunday night to be on the bus to go back home! I wish to be home as soon as possible and meet with my parents. I miss them so much! After all these pressures I've been taking, I really miss them so much. When my mum called me last night, I suddenly detected the coarseness of her voice. I thought she'd just woke up. But when she told me, she was just starting to be sick, and my dad had just recovered form his sickness, I felt a surge of regret and sadness rushing through my brain, into my mind, into my heart!! I felt so useless!! I will always call 2 or 3 days in between. But the calls I made all these while, I felt so meaningless! What's the point of calling home when you don't even know what's happening there??? I even argued with my brother because of this issue. I blamed him for not telling me what happened in the house. But deep down inside, I know it's my fault. It was me who are not concerned about home. It was me who always talked about my stuffs rather than asked about home! I can't help but blame me, myself!! At that time, I really felt so regret and so feeling like banging my head on the wall!!

How I Wish I could...

Can we pretend that the airplanes

in the night sky

are like the shooting stars

I could really use a wish right now...

How I wish I could finish everything in ONE day and don't need to worry the next day...

How I wish I could start it all over again and be more strict when it comes to making decisions...

How I wish I could change the attitudes I acted towards my group members and make them listen to my opinions and not just theirs...

How I wish I could hear your voice and forgets about ALL the problems...

How I wish I could hear your soothing voice that makes me 念念不忘。。。

How I wish I could hear it all over again and you would just solve all my problems...

How I wish I could have you and it will be the only thing I've ever wanted...

...

I don't wish that you will remember everything you'd promised me. I also don't wish to let you know that I love you. I don't want to destroy the friendship we have now. All I wish for is that I'm the one you think about when you wake up and before you go to sleep...

Tired~

       I am really tired now. Tired of everything. Tired of reading. Tired of studying. Tired of doing lab reports. Tired of having to cook in the university kitchen every week and end up by getting low marks. Tired of waiting. Tired of thinking of anything. Tired of liking someone and end up getting hurt. I believe everything happens for a reason. But does it have to happens until this stage??? I am really starting to feel the hopelessness of the endless tiring days. The only thing that keeps me going now is the hopes my parents are putting on me, the hopes that my brother are putting on me, the hopes that my sister are putting on me...the hopes everyone puts on my shoulder, hoping that someday I could be a successful person. And also the hopes that I have on myself that someday I could be a successful nutritionist.

Moody day~

           People are always greedy and selfish. It’s in their nature. But can’t you guys just think for a moment about how others around you feel?? Just because a small piece of ‘free’ layer cake done by your ‘beloved’ lecturer, you guys ignored other people around you?? Other people who was carrying a almost-RM10000 microscope that if, people-who-craved-so-much-about-‘free’-things ‘accidently’ knocked her hand on the people who was holding the microscope, wouldn’t it be the people who hold the microscope get scolded and asked to pay for the damage???! Can’t you guys just stop longing for the ‘free’ layer cake for a WHILE and make way for those who wish to do their job thoroughly???

          And to the lab demonstrator, I know you have been working hard on the Practical 2 for the past 2 days. And I know you’re tired, your eyes are tired. But you also have to think on our side. We were not exposed on handling microscopes for a long period, unlike you. Can’t you just be a little bit patient when seeing us did our practical?? Why must you scold us like it was nobody’s business?? We are also humans. We also did mistakes! I’m sure you also had done some mistakes before, right? Why must you talk as if we had done a huge mistake on you?? It’s as if we’d annoyed you and irritated you!

          Today has been a really bad day for me. I was totally not in a good mood at all after those incidents! I know we, as a Buddhist who practiced Buddhism are not encouraged to talk behind peoples’ back. We are supposed to stand on their shoes and look from their point of view and why they did that. Maybe towards the lab demonstrator, I can understand her feelings. But what about those who craved so much on the layer cake??? I was totally victimized!

          How I wish I can just talk to someone about this. Sometimes I really wish that I have a boyfriend who can understand me and is by my side every time I feel sad. I just need a shoulder to cry on and to seek some comfort. Is that hard to find someone like that??

The Love Poem

 It’s because of you; I dare to trust in love

For I’ve never trusted in love before

Not after I’ve been hurt the last time

It’s because of you; I dare to love again

For I’m scared to love again

As I’m afraid of the consequences that might occur

It’s because of you; I dare to dream again

For I’m afraid of dreaming of

What I know that couldn’t happen

It’s because of you; I dare to walk this road

For I know that you’ll be at the end of the road

To catch me,

To save me,

To release me,

From all these people

It’s because of you; I dare to believe that there is still love in this world

For I’ve been hurt once

Where I thought I would never ever find love again

It’s when I met you that day that I feel my life is alive again

For I feel that there’s something in you

That I ought to know

That I ought to find out

That I hope when I find out, it will be what I wished for

 It’s when I talked to you that day

That I feel like we will go further than this

But too bad you were gone

Even before I want to get to know you better

How I wish right now

That I could see you again

That I could talk to you again

That I could joke with you again

But I know that would only be in my dreams

‘Cause I know what I hoped for will never happen

For I heard that you already had your righteous person

This will only be in my dreams forever

But thanks for making me believe in love again…